A dear friend asked me today: Bart, what are your thoughts on giving people a second chance? In this article I will give you my thoughts you what you can do.
Over the past few weeks and months I gave certain people that lied and hurt me in the past another chance, with the belief and hope that they have changed. My conditioning was to give people unlimited chances, even if they have screwed up before. Jesus said too, when someone hurts you, turn the other cheek… We should just forget and forgive right? Nope!
For example, one ‘friend’ called me and apologized for hurting me years ago and said that he missed hanging out together. I enjoyed our time together too and forget how he hurt me before. So I decided to give him a second chance and hang out. We had a great time and he seemed different.
However, a few days later he asked me to borrow THB 3,000 for a celebration and promised that he would pay me back immediately after the event. I had the belief that this person had changed and I thought, why not? It is just for a few days until he will pay me back.
Guess what happened. He was gone after I transferred the money. This person blocked me on social media, didn’t return my calls and disappeared.
Is he to blame solely for this? No. I am also to blame. I shouldn’t have given him another chance and I shouldn’t have transferred him the money.
I also looked back into my diary and I found out that he hurt me before years ago by borrowing money and also disappearing. Since I like to move on with my life I forgot all about that situation.
Samantha Jones in the series Sex and the City said it best: ’Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me!’
Its so true isn’t it?
However, I am grateful for the lessons this person taught me and that I (finally) learned my lesson. If people come back for a second chance, don’t just give it. Have control systems in place (if you decide you want to deal with it). Otherwise you will get hurt for the second time and you are to blame, not them!
How can you apply this in your own life?
Follow the 1-2-3 rule
1. Most of your friends and associates will be 1. They do what they say, they have integrity and you can trust them. You can give them another chance with ease.
2. Then there are the people that are dishonest and have lied to you or abused you. When they come back for a second chance, make sure they have truly changed.
Listen to your feeling. If you have to start justifying giving the second chance with your head, it’s dead! If you feel they have truly changed and deserve a second chance, give it and proceed with caution.
For example, if someone borrowed your money and paid it back years later and asked to borrow again, make sure you write a legal contract that outlines the dates it has to be paid back (or don’t even bother lending out money again). If someone lied to you about certain things, make sure you cross check what they said, especially when it comes to business. These are the 2 people, the second change people. I believe in second chances, I just don’t believe everyone deserves them.
3. And 3 are the people that hurt you or lied or cheated or borrowed again and again, who haven’t changed. They may say they have changed, but if their actions don’t show that change, let them go. No more chances! Let them screw over someone else but not you.
I hope that you liked reading this article.
Action point – Have you ever been hurt by someone, gave that person a second chance and got hurt again? What have you learned from that situation? Leave your comments on this page, I love to hear from you.
Love and wisdom,